Quickler #3 – Babies!

October 7, 2010

Who doesn’t like babies right?  Sure there are some bitter hateful weirdo’s out there who say they don’t like babies but nobody cares what they think.  This of course helps perpetuate their cycle of bitter hateful weirdness.

Back to babies… I bring them up because my nephew has a little baby he found out about in a very Jerry Springer like manner.  But he is taking full responsibility which is good.  By ‘taking responsibility’ I mean he often has his parents watch the baby while he is at work.  Just kidding.  He’s trying.

But that baby is as cute as the dickens!  (I’m not sure what a “dickens” is but apparently it resembles a button)

Somehow in all of this I ended up watching the baby for a while and it turned out that he had a cold. A big “stuff is coming out of every hole in my head at once” cold.   The kind of cold where you really don’t want to touch the baby for fear that you will disturb their protective slime coat and they will end up with fin-rot.

But still, you want to take care of a baby no matter how gooey it is.   I’m pretty sure that is hard-wired into us.  If it wasn’t, Humans wouldn’t have lasted much longer than the first few booger coated infants.

That’s why I don’t trust people who don’t like babies. These people are clearly an evolutionary mistake whose DNA is not going anywhere and it makes me wonder what other weird anti-self propagation mutations they may have.

Perhaps they have two eyes located on their inner thighs.  The sight of that would stop any propagating that might have occurred.  “Oh baby, here let me… Oh my god!  Did your crotch just wink at me?”

Or one eye and an ear down there.  Nobody with “Picasso crotch” is getting any action.

I think similar things about people who don’t like dogs.  I have a couple of friends who hate dogs.  How can you hate dogs?  What the hell is wrong with you?  Humans and dogs have developed a great symbiotic relationship over thousands of years.  Dogs get food, companionship and fake bacon snacks while we get a loyal and stinky friend or guard (also stinky) or helper for the blind (stinky as well) right down the line of all of the great ways dogs can be helpful and stinky.

They both say they hate dogs because a dog bit them each when they were little.   So what!  A full grown St. Bernard charged me and shoved me into a spiky bush when I was four years old and you don’t see me holding a grudge or thinking every St. Bernard is going to push me into a spiky bush.   I do however hate all spiky bushes.

So again I have to conclude that there could be a lot more that is “wrong” with these people… in the crotch area.  I have to assume they have “bacon crotch”.  It’s the only thing that makes sense.  If I had a condition that made my crotch smell like bacon I would be very afraid of dogs…  assuming they had teeth.   I probably wouldn’t have too many other problems to worry about.. except bears I guess.  I think you would have to live in the city with that kind of condition.

That brings us back to babies.  Actually it doesn’t but I have to wrap up somehow.  Luckily, if you don’t like babies and you don’t like dogs you are entitled to your opinions.  The Constitution doesn’t exclude bitter crotch-mutants from Free Speech… at least the version they ended up passing doesn’t.  Damn that Ben Franklin and his silver tongue!


Quickler #2 – How to sell Life Insurance

September 23, 2010

I “work” in the “insurance industry” and I keep getting these marketing emails on how to sell more of their insurance.  They always have some reason that some segment of the population will need their insurance (and they are right in theory… if you can afford it)

I wish I had the opportunity to write these marketing pieces and make up reasons for people to buy life insurance.  So I will.  Right now.

Here is my plan:  Target the paranoid and the hypochondriacs first.

If you can’t find one, create them through powerful suggestions like “You know that JFK turned down a policy right before… ‘they’ got him.  That’s how ‘they’ work.” or “Did you know that people without life insurance are 100% guaranteed to die?”

If that doesn’t work, look for stupid rich people.  Just follow them home from the mall and knock on their door and introduce yourself as a “cash for death promise paper peddler”. (The term “Insurance salesman” is too crude and will frighten people away)

After you’ve concluded your “ice breaking activities” which include asking for cookies and beer, ask them about the financial security of their kids or dogs or whatever they have.  Ask them if they feel secure and if they say yes, jump up and swipe right next to their head with the large bowie knife you have previously hidden inside your notebook.  Ask them how secure they feel right now.  Repeat as necessary.

Now that they are in the mood to buy, constantly begin shifting your eyes to spy out hints around their home to find out which of the five senses they favor and customize your sales pitch accordingly.

Use this script to watch your sales numbers soar!: “As you know (this makes them feel smarter than they are and like they “should know”) , incidents of [insert corresponding body part for sense: ear (if they have a large music collection), eye (art or photography around the house), nose (flowers or scented candles), fingers (if they have large stacks of pornography), or tongue (for the fatties)] cancer deaths are skyrocketing each and every day while the families of those unfortunate many are often left with nothing but a never-ending rage that their cheapskate relative didn’t have a six figure life insurance policy.  That’s one of the reasons grave defiling rates are off the charts so high that you likely never hear of them.”

Then you hand them the policy to sign while continuing to nod your head up and down in an extremely exaggerated manner.  This gets people in an “agreeable mood” and also creeps them out so they want to get you away from them as soon as possible.  Make sure they understand that the ONLY way to get rid of this nodding freak armed with a bowie knife is to buy that life insurance.

If you follow this simple formula, you will soon see that your sales will double, nay – Triple! and you will soon be basking on beaches with sexy people of various genders of your choice while drinking beverages through the orifice of your choice.

Doesn’t that sound great?  Now get out there and remember to give me my (industry standard) 47% of everything you sell.


September 21, 2010

I’ve decided to start making more posts here and in order to do so I needed to use some shorter form rather than my typical 12 page rambling diatribe… so I introduce… Quicklers! – a much shorter form of rambling diatribe.  (I am so going to copyright that for my book)

Quickler #1

Thanks to marketing emails, I learned that in order to be financially secure, I needed to spend more on insurance.

Of course, when “’Aldi’s beans’ and ‘Meatfarm Acre’s weenies’” night expanded to 3 days a week, my family seemed to be more and more interested in exactly how much insurance I have on my life and the exact sequence of events that had to happen to collect on said insurance. Recently, while looking through my wife’s purse for Chiclet’s Mascara, and tampons,  I found an invoice from ACME for a rocket suit, a piano, some rope, and a “Free Bird Seed” sign.

I’m not sure what that was all about but I hope they don’t give away all of that delicious bird seed.  I personally love that stuff and I can’t help but to make a beeline to it when I see some laying in a pile… unless it costs too much.

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