Quickler #3 – Babies!

Who doesn’t like babies right?  Sure there are some bitter hateful weirdo’s out there who say they don’t like babies but nobody cares what they think.  This of course helps perpetuate their cycle of bitter hateful weirdness.

Back to babies… I bring them up because my nephew has a little baby he found out about in a very Jerry Springer like manner.  But he is taking full responsibility which is good.  By ‘taking responsibility’ I mean he often has his parents watch the baby while he is at work.  Just kidding.  He’s trying.

But that baby is as cute as the dickens!  (I’m not sure what a “dickens” is but apparently it resembles a button)

Somehow in all of this I ended up watching the baby for a while and it turned out that he had a cold. A big “stuff is coming out of every hole in my head at once” cold.   The kind of cold where you really don’t want to touch the baby for fear that you will disturb their protective slime coat and they will end up with fin-rot.

But still, you want to take care of a baby no matter how gooey it is.   I’m pretty sure that is hard-wired into us.  If it wasn’t, Humans wouldn’t have lasted much longer than the first few booger coated infants.

That’s why I don’t trust people who don’t like babies. These people are clearly an evolutionary mistake whose DNA is not going anywhere and it makes me wonder what other weird anti-self propagation mutations they may have.

Perhaps they have two eyes located on their inner thighs.  The sight of that would stop any propagating that might have occurred.  “Oh baby, here let me… Oh my god!  Did your crotch just wink at me?”

Or one eye and an ear down there.  Nobody with “Picasso crotch” is getting any action.

I think similar things about people who don’t like dogs.  I have a couple of friends who hate dogs.  How can you hate dogs?  What the hell is wrong with you?  Humans and dogs have developed a great symbiotic relationship over thousands of years.  Dogs get food, companionship and fake bacon snacks while we get a loyal and stinky friend or guard (also stinky) or helper for the blind (stinky as well) right down the line of all of the great ways dogs can be helpful and stinky.

They both say they hate dogs because a dog bit them each when they were little.   So what!  A full grown St. Bernard charged me and shoved me into a spiky bush when I was four years old and you don’t see me holding a grudge or thinking every St. Bernard is going to push me into a spiky bush.   I do however hate all spiky bushes.

So again I have to conclude that there could be a lot more that is “wrong” with these people… in the crotch area.  I have to assume they have “bacon crotch”.  It’s the only thing that makes sense.  If I had a condition that made my crotch smell like bacon I would be very afraid of dogs…  assuming they had teeth.   I probably wouldn’t have too many other problems to worry about.. except bears I guess.  I think you would have to live in the city with that kind of condition.

That brings us back to babies.  Actually it doesn’t but I have to wrap up somehow.  Luckily, if you don’t like babies and you don’t like dogs you are entitled to your opinions.  The Constitution doesn’t exclude bitter crotch-mutants from Free Speech… at least the version they ended up passing doesn’t.  Damn that Ben Franklin and his silver tongue!


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