Quickler #2 – How to sell Life Insurance

I “work” in the “insurance industry” and I keep getting these marketing emails on how to sell more of their insurance.  They always have some reason that some segment of the population will need their insurance (and they are right in theory… if you can afford it)

I wish I had the opportunity to write these marketing pieces and make up reasons for people to buy life insurance.  So I will.  Right now.

Here is my plan:  Target the paranoid and the hypochondriacs first.

If you can’t find one, create them through powerful suggestions like “You know that JFK turned down a policy right before… ‘they’ got him.  That’s how ‘they’ work.” or “Did you know that people without life insurance are 100% guaranteed to die?”

If that doesn’t work, look for stupid rich people.  Just follow them home from the mall and knock on their door and introduce yourself as a “cash for death promise paper peddler”. (The term “Insurance salesman” is too crude and will frighten people away)

After you’ve concluded your “ice breaking activities” which include asking for cookies and beer, ask them about the financial security of their kids or dogs or whatever they have.  Ask them if they feel secure and if they say yes, jump up and swipe right next to their head with the large bowie knife you have previously hidden inside your notebook.  Ask them how secure they feel right now.  Repeat as necessary.

Now that they are in the mood to buy, constantly begin shifting your eyes to spy out hints around their home to find out which of the five senses they favor and customize your sales pitch accordingly.

Use this script to watch your sales numbers soar!: “As you know (this makes them feel smarter than they are and like they “should know”) , incidents of [insert corresponding body part for sense: ear (if they have a large music collection), eye (art or photography around the house), nose (flowers or scented candles), fingers (if they have large stacks of pornography), or tongue (for the fatties)] cancer deaths are skyrocketing each and every day while the families of those unfortunate many are often left with nothing but a never-ending rage that their cheapskate relative didn’t have a six figure life insurance policy.  That’s one of the reasons grave defiling rates are off the charts so high that you likely never hear of them.”

Then you hand them the policy to sign while continuing to nod your head up and down in an extremely exaggerated manner.  This gets people in an “agreeable mood” and also creeps them out so they want to get you away from them as soon as possible.  Make sure they understand that the ONLY way to get rid of this nodding freak armed with a bowie knife is to buy that life insurance.

If you follow this simple formula, you will soon see that your sales will double, nay – Triple! and you will soon be basking on beaches with sexy people of various genders of your choice while drinking beverages through the orifice of your choice.

Doesn’t that sound great?  Now get out there and remember to give me my (industry standard) 47% of everything you sell.

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